Last September 6, I rode the public transport bus to my first day of university classes. I triple-checked the bus schedule and campus map, to make sure I would arrive in the right classroom in plenty of time before the first lecture began. After I found the big pink lecture hall, a tiered space with fixed desks and tables lined up on each tier, I selected a seat near the top back of the hall. Other students filed in, laughing and talking in groups – just how had they all gotten to know each other in three short days since they moved onto campus?? I had to think back to when I was that age and how quickly I could bond with a group.

With my gray hair and backpack, and my seat not in the area reserved for the program tutors, I felt like a blaring siren of awkwardness in the sea of young faces. As I was trying to fish things out of my backpack to lay out on the desk space and stow my pack beneath the desk, someone asked to scoot behind me to one of the middle spaces in my row. I stepped aside, and promptly lost my footing on the tier step right next to the desk. Luckily for me, some nice young 18-year old man automatically grabbed for my arm and stopped my fall mid-flight. I was shaken, grateful, and very embarrassed; but he spoke kindly to me. I had been trying so hard to remain as unobtrusive as possible, gray hair notwithstanding, but NOPE, that was not to be. And thus was my introduction to the classroom on my first day.

I soon discovered that I was the only older student in the class, the next oldest being 31, and the rest 18-21. I was sure there would be a few other students aged 40 and over, due to the content of the program, but apparently not this year. I had to figure my way through my awkwardness. Friends kept telling me that all the 18-year-olds were feeling the same awkwardness, but of course I did not believe them. You can’t out-awkward the gray-haired student.

As the first month progressed, I made efforts to learn the names of the students in my tutorial group, and then those of other students who said hello or otherwise responded to my initiatives. Some of them even complimented me on some my refashioned tunics I wore on the humid days of September! These were students who also wore really colourful clothing, so I felt solidarity with them. The students who let me into their midst over the long-haul of the school year are extremely funny and kind!  One of them invited me to study with her for our first oral exams in December. She wanted to completely diagram on a whiteboard all of Dante’s circles of hell and their inhabitants, so I went along with her, knowing I could never possibly remember all that if I were asked about it in the exams (thankfully, I wasn’t!). She would invite me to her room for tea and chats, and she asked me to teach her how to embroider (after one lesson, she was hooked). Another student would routinely pop up out of nowhere during our lecture breaks and say, “Hey, how about that lecture? Thoughts?” and promptly dive into a deep and nuanced discussion of it. As time went on, several other students invited me into their lives as well. It was sooooo helpful to have fellow students with whom to talk about our reading. That was what really helped when we had to write our bi-weekly papers. I learned a lot by being around the other students, and made sure to tell them that I *needed* them, even though I was far older than they. I was their fellow student.

I also encountered much kindness and support in several university staff people who took notice of me and told me to go see them anytime for encouragement and support. I took them up on this, and they kept their word. I have no experience with universities elsewhere, but the people who work in this place have been very kind to me. One of my tutors was also very kind to me, even happily supplying a reference letter on my behalf for a scholarship application. He seemed very excited when I asked if he’d be willing; that was a new experience for me! He also invited me to an academic conference he thought I’d be interested in, which I may attend in May!

Academically, this course was challenging. I’m told it’s not because I am older, but that it’s the nature of the program. I had to quickly grasp skills in reading rapidly but deeply. Let me back up; if I want to read deeply, I usually read slowly and take notes. But I had to train myself to gulp entire paragraphs and sections, reading introductions and conclusions of books and chapters to get the gist of a text, and then scanning through to find details pertinent to the author’s argument. Then I had to write essays every two weeks, with no prompt but a quote. Suffice it to say that I cried a lot in the first month or so, and nearly quit several times were it not for the continual pep talks by three close friends, my aunt, and my husband. They believed in me when I didn’t. I am proud to say I did not cry once during second semester hahahaha, nor did I have thoughts of quitting.

Oh, it was such a rich experience! I don’t know what “normal” university is like, but every day was a new lecture, new topic, on a new reading, from a new professor. With some books, we’d have two or three lectures. Some professors showed up in the lecture hall more than once, talking about different books and topics. If you want to look them up, some of my favourites were Dr. Sarah Clift, Dr. Simon Kow, Christopher Snook, Dr. Maria Euchner, and Dr. Tim Clarke. After awhile, I started understanding the lectures as masterpieces of essays. The really great lectures would lay out a thesis and an argument outline; then we could follow along as the lecturer sought to convince us of their points as well as to educate us on historical context and break down the text for us. For me, many times, it was like watching a brilliant, analytical stage performance. A performance that fed my mind and my soul.

By the last month of school, I was feeling nostalgic about the rapidly passing school year. I had grown fond of many of the students and not so awkward about walking into a lecture hall or my daily tutorial group. I started feeling sad about this experience ending, even as I still had to prepare for and face two more papers and another oral exam! By the time of our last lecture three weeks ago, I was simultaneously sad to say goodbye for a few months and goodbye to this wonderful experience, and glad to have a much-needed break! I worked at home for another week on prepping for my exam and getting my research paper done, and finished two weeks ago.

I then spent the last two weeks being utterly lazy and relishing not having to be on a strict schedule. It has taken me two weeks to recuperate some energy and to relax. I look back over the last eight months and wonder how on earth I did that. All I can say is that I was so happy to finally be in university, and I was determined. I’m so happy I did it! And with grades I’m pretty proud of – I showed myself I could do what I have always doubted I could do. I relished every lecture and tutorial, and I look forward to continuing my studies. Summer course begins next week! Then for 2024-2025 I’ll be in school full-time again, this time with “just” three classes each semester, instead of the equivalent of four that I did this past year. Meanwhile, I also have been creating up a storm over the last week; will write about all that in another post! It has been great to MAKE things again!

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